112 Things To Do Before You Graduate

Charlottesville really does have a multitude of things to offer to the curious and experimental mind, so rather than wasting your time telling you to put up with inane shit like chalking for your favorite CIO, we’ve compiled a list of actual things you should try before your tenure at this fine University is over. Be warned, this list is not for the faint of heart, but at the very least your college experience will not be boring if you can get to even half of these. Good luck.

1. Go to an a cappella concert and heckle the performers with Hoo puns. “Hoo sucks at singing?” “Hoo needs voice lessons?”

2. Sacrifice a goat to the financial aid gods.

3. Participate in the Fourth Year Fifth.

4. Fail, then participate in the Fifth Year Fifth.

5. Promise yourself you’re actually going to do the readings this semester.

6. At your honor offense trial, put on a small glove and yell “If the Glove don’t fit, I didn’t cheat!”

7. After someone compliments your sundress, North Face jacket, tights, and cowboy boots, compliment their sundress, North Face jacket, tights, and cowboy boots.

8. Piss in a Lawn sink.

9. Ride the blackboards in the Chem Building… all night long.

10. Steal something useless but sentimental from a frat party.

11. Pick a four, drink until they’re a seven, feel okay about yourself the next morning.

12. Have no fucking idea what you want to do with your life.

13. Audibly fart in the McGregor Room. Avoid the accusatory stares by looking around in disgust with everyone else.

14. Be ticket number 69 at Bodo’s.

15. Use Sparknotes.

16. Get a semester into your thesis, then say “Fuck it.”

17. Touch a squirrel… emotionally.

18. Crash a Jefferson Society meeting with a loud cry of “I’m here for the gangbang!”

19. Fuck someone you shouldn’t.

20. Fuck someone you actually care about, then fuck it up.

21. Write a twenty-page paper in under twenty-four hours.

22. Skip every class in a given week.

23. Go out every night in a given week.

24. Make up for all the muffins you steal from LittleJohn’s by actually tipping once in a while.

25. Hump on Humpback rock.

26. Draw in Sharpie on a passed out friend the night before they have a9:00AM class.

27. Write a paper in blood.

28. Take a shit in the Rotunda bathroom

29. Dog-ear pages in a library book. Sinner.

30. Make a table fort on the second floor of Clemons.

31. Do cocaine.

32. Take up smoking.

33. Quit smoking.

34. Take up smoking again.

35. Quit smoking….Reds.

36. Flip over a desk in class.

37. Pick an issue and really care about it. Like, a lot.

38. Make eye contact with at least three people on your early morning walk of shame.

39. Tell Dean Laushway to “Suck it.”

40. Find two directly contradicting Jefferson quotes.

41. Defend your thinly-veiled bigotry via a Cav Daily column. Anonymously defend your argument online in the “Comments” section.

42. Actually read a flyer that someone on Grounds hands you before throwing it away.

43. Slip your gal the “Virginia gentleman.”

44. Self- immolate in protest.

45. Discover Nietzche’s brilliance, only to forget all of his teachings over winter break

46. Have sex with your best friend only to have things get hella-awkward for a few weeks.

47. Try to legitimize your own ethnic heritage to yourself by taking classes on “your people”

48. Strategically plan “chance” encounters with that poet with the slow drawl you think is sexy.

49. Thinly mask the things you’ve actually done in a student publication’s parody of the 112 Things to Do Before you Graduate

50. Sitting on the jury of an honor trial, make a throat-cutting motion at the defendant.

51. Dress up like a douchebag for a football game. After the pictures go up on Facebook, defend yourself to your high school friends who call you a sellout.

52. Spend a night in every first year dorm.

53. No Shave November.

54. Decembeard.

55. Never spend the night in Brown College.

56. Quietly, secretly, and greedily ride the wave of white privilege towards a useless liberal arts degree.

57. Submit to the Declaration, only to have your article cut at the last minute.

58. Attend a class.

59. Call that girl and tell her to get tested.

60. Write an apology to your liver.

61. Take your liver’s lack of response as a sign that you probably should have apologized in person.

62. Get picked to live on the Lawn; go fuck yourself.

63. Flirt with academic probation.

64. Attend a discussion while high out of your mind. Try not to giggle too much if your TA calls on you.

65. Learn to love again.

66. Start a round of applause; take it way too far.

67. Hide in the Alderman stacks until after closing. Bonus points if you can get out before morning.

68. Meet Andrew Cedermark.

69. Scream “I’ll rip your dick off” at the top of your lungs from one of the divided booths on the first floor of Clemons.

70. Thirsty Thursday.

71. Shithoused Wednesday.

72. Tuesday Boozeday.

73. Hennessy Black History Month.

74. Stay past halftime at a football game.

75. Cannonball off the high dive at the AFC when a really sexy lifeguard is on duty. Pretend to drown and get mouth-to-mouth. Throw up on the tilt-a-whirl. Lose your dad’s prized baseball but gain an invaluable life lesson that you’ll reflect upon and narrate from middle-age.

76. Go fishing in the reflecting pool, duck-hunting at the Dell.

77. Roofie one of your male friends and watch him make bad decisions. Record the aftermath and put it on YouTube.

78. Spend more than twenty minutes on SIS without bashing your head against a wall.

79. Lure your professor into a tickle-fight. Hang the sexual harassment joke over their head when finals roll around.

80. Work at a shitty restaurant on the Corner or the Downtown Mall.

81. Pay Golden Key Honor Society for a single line in your resume that you could’ve lied about without ever having to face the consequences.

82. Join at least one club that doesn’t start with “Hoos For.”

83. Obtain prophylactics from student health. Ask your longtime girlfriend if she feels that the two of you are at a point in your relationship when you love each other enough to express that love physically.

84. Write your will!

85. Feed a lover peeled seedless grapes.

86. Shout obscenities at tour groups. “Send us your virgin daughters!”

87. Have a serious conversation about the artistic merits of Dave Matthews’ later work without bursting into uncontrollable laughter.

88. Vomit on a UTS Bus and earn your driver a $50 bonus.

89. “NERD!” somebody.

90. Double up in the boys’ bathroom of a bar.

91. Pose with underprivileged children on your ASB trip. Profile pic!

92. Become a real innovator in the field of finding ways to nonchalantly mention your internship.

93. Smoke right next to buildings, feelin’ all civil disobedient.

94. Copulate in Garden X. All the other ones just aren’t as sexy.

95. Find someone you hooked up with first year and completely end the awkwardness by doing it again.

96. Be the best kind of single, which is sort-of single.

97. Creep.

98. Lurk.

99. Skulk.

100. Paint over an actual event on Beta Bridge with lewd, lascivious graffiti.

101. Have a pregnancy scare.

102. Appoint yourself mayor of the Newcomb Hall third-floor bathroom

103. Publically urinate on the Corner without getting arrested.

104. Invite your professors with Twitter accounts to parties using poorly typed obscenities.

105. Attend a show at the Tea Bazaar and pretend the bands are actually good.

106. Boycott CVS. Herpes medication be damned!

107. Hook up with someone subhuman. Lie about it to your friends later.

108. Slip on a puddle in the stacks. Go on literary adventures with three animated books. Don’t sweat being a nerd; one day you’ll date Mila Kunis in real life.

109. Call your peyote dealer, just to talk.

110. Promise yourself you’re going to go back and do all those readings you missed.

111. Get blackout drunk before it gets dark.

112. Trade the rest of your life as someone who isn’t a registered sex offender for one naked run down the lawn of a World Heritage Site.