Dopplegangbang

I hate doppelgangers. They're no fun. They're always stealing my iden-tity and shit. I mean, who is there to stop them from stealing my friends and then convincing them that I am the fake me? No one. What is preventing them from breaking into my room, shattering a mirror, standing behind the mirror frame, and mimicking each of my motions exactly so that I think I'm actually looking in a mirror?! Doppelgangers are a very dangerous group of people, and we should put tags on them so that they aren't allowed to roam free-because if they do, they will probably abuse their rights and inhibit mine, and that is not what I'm about.

It doesn't help that the University that I call home is practically crawling with doppelgangers. What kind of a place lets so many people, who look like so many other people, into it? Is it my fault that many of U.Va.'s students are thin, white males with brownish, blondish hair who can appreciate a good sweater in the comfortably cool, winterish/springish weather and who try to grow beards but aren't that good at it? No, it is not my fault at all, yet I am being punished for being myself.

One way I am punished is that half of my conversations start with, "Hey, I thought I saw you driving a bus the other day, but when I got on the bus, it wasn't you." All I can respond with is, "Kill him next time." Then, the person, who can't tell if I'm kidding or not (I can't either), walks away in a state of confusion, leaving me friendless. Other times it's, "I thought I saw you in the weight room the other day, but then noticed that this guy had shorter hair, so I didn't talk to him." I again respond with, "Kill him next time," and the same reaction occurs. The worst occurrences are when someone waves at me, and then, when I wave back at them, they realize that I am not the doppelganger for whom they are looking. They make an awkward giggle noise and quickly turn away from me as if I am the doppelganger! I am never more offended than when I am confused with someone who looks exactly like me.

Doppelgangers also play with my emotions like no one else. The other day, I saw a doppelganger impersonating a friend who graduated last year. I got excited and almost yelled his name, but then, something was different. The twinkle in his eye wasn't twinkling so brightly, and his step was a little off. His hair was slightly less floppy, and his arms weren't quite as ape-like. Then, I got closer, and I knew that this was no friend of mine, but merely the doppelganger of said "friend." I was so angry and sad that I thought about tackling him and forcing him to get a new haircut because that one is already taken, but I didn't because I knew that my friend wouldn't want that. He is a caring person. What I did instead was walk past him and whisper to the person with whom I was walking, "That looks exactly like this guy I know!" To which she responded, "Yeah, I know that guy, too. How weird?" This experience can only be compared to watching your puppy die, then watching your puppy come back to life the next day, then realizing that it is just the wind blowing the frail body of your dead puppy.

So, the problem has been pointed out, but what are we going to do about it? I propose that once a doppelganger is recognized, we give them dreadlocks. This way, no one will confuse the doppelganger with his copy, and the original person will finally be able to see what he or she would look like with dreadlocks. That would be a dream come true. Students of U.Va., stand up for your dreams and start a revolution, or else we will all live in a world where the word "Hi" is replaced with "I thought I saw you at . . ." I have been to that world already, and it is no fun, unless you are a doppelganger. If this is true, say goodbye to that shampooed hair of yours.