Horoscopes

Aries (March 21—April 19):
Reduce stress caused by finals by not taking them.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
Those pills you take aren’t going to change the fact that you are generally a crappy person.

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Don’t make claims you can’t back up with textual evidence.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
Ask for something expensive for Christmas and you will receive a slightly less expensive version of the same thing.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
The early bird gets tired during the day.

Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22):
The United States should use the metric system. Think about it.

Libra (Sept. 23—Oct. 23):
You look really good in that plaid shirt. Stop it. Seriously, it’s making the rest of us look really bad.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22—Dec. 21):
If your job blows, just drop the “s” and adjust the syntax a little bit. It’s much more satisfactory.

Scorpio (Oct. 24—Nov. 21):
Quit hanging out with your ex-girlfriend. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, Dave.

Capricorn (Dec. 22—Jan. 19):
That poop may look like chocolate pudding, but it isn’t; it’s poop.

Aquarius (Jan. 20—Feb. 18):
That pee may look like lemonade, and it is. Drink it; it’s delicious.

Pisces (Feb. 19—March 20):
You are going to regret ordering that double cheeseburger when you see the calorie count. Oh yeah, and also, you have Mad Cow Disease.