Horoscopes

Aries (March 21—April 19):
Bathing is a great alternative to smelling.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
Claim your farts. It shows others that you are an honest and responsible person.

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
You should really go see Avatar. Really.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
If your coffee comes with a sneezee, it isn’t a beverage, it’s a cold.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
Try not to pick up quite as many chicks. Their mothers will stop feeding them.

Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22):
Check under your pillow tonight. ; )

Libra (Sept. 23—Oct. 23):
Bored with your long-distance relationship? Try cheating.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22—Dec. 21):
You will soon find that you have a growing appreciation for finding things soon.

Scorpio (Oct. 24—Nov. 21):
Living vicariously through people you do not know can often lead to stalking.

Capricorn (Dec. 22—Jan. 19):
People know about that thing you do with the cucumber. You can’t hide that delicious of a recipe.

Aquarius (Jan. 20—Feb. 18):
If you aren’t doing anything Friday night, you should go to Denny’s at seven and sit at the table next to the portrait of James Dean and wear a red shirt.

Pisces (Feb. 19—March 20):
Your sign is too inclusive of various personality types. There is nothing that could possibly appeal to all of you. Can all of the intrusive type B’s switch to Leo? It would really help out.
Thanks,
The Stars