Horoscopes 38/3

Aries (March 21—April 19):
Add some spice to your life by following Martha Stewart on Twitter.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
Don’t you hate it when people walk really slow in front you and you can’t get around them without being rude?

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Did you know that some cats have six toes on one foot?

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
You have Cancer. Don’t be surprised, the sign was always there.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
Cut down on the exercise. Bellies are in.

Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22):
Embrace child-like name-calling. It can easily give you the upper hand in arguments with children.

Libra (Sept. 23—Oct. 23):
Buy a snow-shovel. Actually, that goes for everybody, but especially Libra. It’s going to snow a lot, and you’re gonna freak about being late to work.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22—Dec. 21):
If you focus too much on your outward appearance, you probably spend a lot of time in front of a mirror.

Scorpio (Oct. 24—Nov. 21):
You are gathering too many skeletons in your closet. Don’t you think it’s time to upgrade to a walk-in?

Capricorn (Dec. 22—Jan. 19):
A great way to forget about your problems and just get away is suicide.

Aquarius (Jan. 20—Feb. 18):
Debra, please call me. I miss you.

Pisces (Feb. 19—March 20):
Quit asking so many questions. You’re going to blow your cover.