Horoscopes 38/4

Aries (March 21—April 19):
You will not find a Valentine. Just suck it up and get drunk with your friends. Maybe you guys can pitty fuck.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
So, you missed the Super Bowl because your power was out, but at least now you don’t crave Bud Light and Coke.

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Congrats on your “The Hall” bid, and sorry about your soul.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
If you’re ever the butt of a sweeping generalization, don’t worry, you’re one of the good ones.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
Lay off of the cheese fries. Beds are much more comfortable.

Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22):
The next time you go for a run through grounds, yell “Monsters!” a lot. It’s a really good joke.

Libra (Sept. 23—Oct. 23):
Watch your step. It’s pretty slippery out there right now. Especially that one spot near the Chapel.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22—Dec. 21):
You will be visited by three spirits tonight. Don’t assume it’s because you’re high, they are actual ghosts.

Scorpio (Oct. 24—Nov. 21):
Have you ever even played Mortal Combat?

Capricorn (Dec. 22—Jan. 19):
Forgetting the events of a night of heavy drinking is the first sign that you had a good night.

Aquarius (Jan. 20—Feb. 18):
Remember our first Valentine’s Day, Debra? Things were great then. We could still have that, you know?

Pisces (Feb. 19—March 20):
A watched pot never boils, but an unwatched pot has a greater risk of getting stolen by poor chefs.