Horoscpoes 38/6

Aries (March 21—April 19):
Don’t cry over being spit on when you volunteer to handle llamas.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
The grass is always greener when you take care of it with fertilizer and steady maintenance.

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Don’t count your pigs before they hatch; those are actually chickens.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
If you step in shit, your foot’s gonna smell.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
There’s actually only one way to skin a dog: with a knife and the appropriate dose-to-weight ratio of valium.

Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22):
You know what happens when you assume? You make an inference about something with sufficient evidence.

Libra (Sept. 23—Oct. 23):
Guns do kill people. A lot of things kill people, but guns definitely belong on that list too.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22—Dec. 21):
An apple a day makes you fucking sick of apples after about two weeks.

Scorpio (Oct. 24—Nov. 21):
A rolling stoner gathers moss when it forgets to drink water and passes out in the woods and thus, dies.

Capricorn (Dec. 22—Jan. 19):
The Sequoia cone falls a really far distance from the tree.

Aquarius (Jan. 20—Feb. 18):
Bad things come to those who wait when those happen to be on death row. Think about it, Debra.

Pisces (Feb. 19—March 20):
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it still might be a goose.