Need 4 Speed: XXXTra Hot Pursuit

Last night, I achieved my ultimate dream. It was the culmination of years of hard work and months of practice. You see, last night I had sex in ten seconds. Impressive, I know, but I have been working towards this moment for some time.

You see, it all started the first time I ever had sex. . .that I remember. Everything was in place: female, check; safety measures, check. Everything was going great, and great, and greater still. Twenty minutes later, things were still going, but things weren't great anymore. My arms were tired, my legs were exhausted, and my lips felt like two inflated bananas. It was about this moment I realized that popular culture had lied to me. No one wants to last longer. Imagine me, slaving away to reach the same goal for minutes when it can obviously be reached in seconds. Hell, if I got good enough at having sex, maybe I could make it instantaneous! Imagine the joy of spontaneous sex. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am!

Now you may be asking yourself, "Shit, Carter! How can I become a super fast lay just like you?" Well, the training is both dangerous and horrifically painful, yet the rewards are endless. First, you must come to a state of higher consciousness. The easiest way to achieve this state is to put down this article, find the person closest to you and scream at them, "I want to do you so fast my junk time-warps." Secondly, every time you have sex from now on, imagine you are the last bunny rabbit on earth, and must breed as quickly as possible to ensure the continuation of your species. When you are done, get yourself a carrot and have your partner pet your ears. Lastly, masturbation is a no-no (thank you, Brother Micah). If you follow these steps, you should start to see the results you are looking for: a quicker and more productive sexual experience.

If you happen to be asking yourself, "What about my partner?", I wouldn't worry about it. Mainly, I have come to the conclustion that there is no such thing as a female orgasm; if there is, I've never seen one (nor do I have a desire). For those who cannot be convinced otherwise, let me put this in another context: is their pleasure even important? I mean, twenty minutes of hard work just for her to fake fifteen seconds of heavy breathing and an elongated sigh? Talk about some major thespian bullshit.

Shortened sex has many benefits you wouldn't normally think of. For instance, you could use that extra time writing a villanelle like this strapping young man did:

A Villanelle Discoursing on the Nature of Speedy Sexual Encounters, as composed by Matthew Minnicino

Sex is best when you do it fast
Laboring so for such a feeble end
Why bother, then, to make it last?
In a twelfth of a second, the moment is past
After the time prolonged to extend
O, sex is best when you do it fast.
Their decreptitude leaves you aghast.
Ah, truer word was never penned
'Tis bothersome to make it last!
Their ability to fail is vast
To give you joy they will not bend
Aye, sex be best when you do it fast
They'll hoist the sail on your mizzenmast
But when ship leaves port, it's all pretend.
Why should we keel to make it last?
Even if you're laying is unsurpassed
Mere falsity they'll not transcend
Sex is best when you do it fast
Why bother, then, to make it last?