Poodah!

UGhighdes
Since the cops discovered an aspiring meth lab in a GrandMarc apartment last week, Poodah has been planning a “Famous Drug Sites of U.Va. Narcotour.” The UGuides’ newest romp includes stops at Garden IV (where Jefferson kept his cannibis specimens), the Alderman Cemetery (a famous salvia-smokers’ haunt), and Adderall Alley (behind the third shelf in first floor Clemons, look for us Tuesday nights before production). The tour could stop by your room if your roommate displays any of these obvious signs of meth-making activity:
• possesses at least four of the following: windex, bleach, aspirin, Vick’s VapoRub, a lighter, aluminum foil.
• brushes his teeth twice a day, collects them off his pillow twice a week.
• reads Marx, Blake, or Emerson.
• is methodical.
• shits shards of glass.

Ryan Seacrets
Recent reports, brought to Poodah by the industry’s second most trusted Fox insider, uncovered the mechanics behind the elimination process for the finals on American Idol—IT’S FIXED! That’s right. Poodah was stunned, too. The conspiracy has been almost universally condemned; however, supporters include the American Veterinary Society and former TV personality Bob Barker.

Dalai Lame
After finding out that the South African government denied the Dalai Lama a visa, Poodah decided to peruse CIA records in hopes of finding other instances of injustice in celebrity travel. Far from feeling outraged though, Poodah thinks that most of the list is fairly reasonable:
• Madonna was banned from Malawi, as the government feared she would steal more babies; she was banned from England for fear that she would steal the British accent.
• Iranian president Mahmud Ahmedinejad was denied entrance to Israel, because it is impossible to travel to an imaginary country.
• Since the photo surfaced of her making “Asian Eyes,” Miley Cyrus was denied concerts in China, as the audience might make “White People Eyes” back at her.
-Sarah Palin has been discouraged by many in the diplomatic community from traveling to Russia, as she would probably drink Vladimir Putin under the table, thus humiliating him.

Smells of Spring
Spring is in the air! While on a stroll, Poodah stopped to smell the flowers, and noticed that some of them smell downright strange:
• Bradford pear trees smell like semen.
• Flowers outside the GrandMarc smell like ether.
• Delta Zeta’s garden smells like fetuses.
• Roses really smell like poo poo-oo.

Oh My God So Much Crime
Since the recent crime wave around grounds, Pat Lampkin has sent many a vague email to students. Poodah went snooping in her Gmail and found this draft email about a crime that may or may not have occured:
ALERT: A suspect between 5’ and 6’ tall allegedly robbed a victim allegedly between 4’ and 6’ tall between the hours of 5 and 12 o’clock last night. The suspect has brownish, blondish hair, and looked similar to this sketch, released by the police department: (men's bathroom symbol).

The suspect allegedly stole a Circuit City gift card and taint-punched the victim—a 21 year old male who lives at 211 14th Street. He is always out of the house between 9 and 5 o’clock weekdays, leaves a spare key under the doormat, and is afraid of spiders and violent acts of revenge.

Constant vigilance my children, and please feel free to send along your social security number, as I don’t think I have it any more,
The University of Virginia