Poodah 38/6

Cage Match
Every now and then, Poodah likes to watch a good ole blood-slingin’ out-and-out brawl. And this year’s Battle of the Bands proved to be no disappointment! Last Saturday at the structure formerly known as the Student Activities Building, it all went down. The lineup looked good at first glance: St. Gods, Fusionista, Superlift, Astronomers and Pompadour. Once the melee began, things started to get messy. Superlift failed in their attempt to pick up the stage with their anti-grav ray, and the Astronomers didn’t even show up, because something something the moon was in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligned with Mars something something. The Fusionistas brought uranium but they didn’t know what to do with it, so in the end only St. Gods and the Pompadours put up a fight. The former brought their special-team side project, The Bible Beaters, who came armed with lightning bolts and the Word. Pompadour realized they couldn’t stab people with their switchcombs, and were very near defeat when the lead singer remembered his hairspray and his lighter, ultimately burning the whole place down. In the bitter end only Pompadour and their hair remained standing. Who ever they’re matched up against at Springfest better be ready for Pompadour’s heat.

Tight!
During a recent shopping trip to American Apparel, it came to Poodah’s attention that the clothing company has added a helpful warning label to all of its leggings. The insides of all these garments do proclaim, in large, block lettering: WARNING. THESE TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS. In the interest of planetary trouser-safety, Poodah has compiled a comprehensive list of other things that are not pants:
• Shirts
• People
• David Bowie
• The internet
• Horn-rimmed glasses
• Vancouver Island Marmots
• Bagel Bites
• Invisible pants (A.K.A. pretend pants, or unpants)
• The Hudson River

Puttin’ Around
When checking the trending topics on Twitter, Poodah couldn’t help but notice the amount of Tiger Talk. Here’s what some of Poodah’s followers had to tweet about the situation.
• ChickthatsleptwithTigernumber12: #Tiger Woods check out my new reality tv show, One Putt at Love yall!
• Charles Barkley: #Tiger Woods better be gettin some damn good blow jobs. Lemme tell you about this one time whe
• Charles Barkley: damn twitter always cutting me off
• Dexter: #Tiger Woods broke the only rule: never get caught
• Lebron James: #Tiger Woods should just drink Sprite. That refreshing lemon-lime taste
• Dali Lama: #Tiger Woods who?
• JTCa$teen: #Tiger Woods HOO!?!
• Sprite: RT Labron James. #Tiger Woods should just drink Sprite. That refreshing lemon-lime taste

Sub-domestic
On Monday, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates notified Congress of plans to allow women on submarines. Women, who were allowed to join the Navy in 1993, can’t wait to go down and get wet with lots of seamen. But the news arrived much to the dismay of Admiral Ellis “Grizzly” McMann, who had a few comments for Poodah. “Beyond the fact that these ladies will in-eviddibly be aroused by living in a giant phallus, I’ve heard that period blood burns straight through the ty-tanium our submarines are made of! Where will they shower? We don’t have hair-blowers and mass-cara and peddy-cures on our ships! What? Do they expect us to put a copy of Good Housekeeping next to the Hustler on the shitter? Women on submarines! Next thing you know people’ll be putting veggie-ta-bulls on a sandwich!”

Choke on That!
The leading group of pediatricians in the United States is pushing for a redesign of the hot dog, which accounts for 17% of all fatal incidents of child choking. When asked for details, they suggested hot dogs be made to look more like donuts, bagels, bunt cakes, life savers, or tacos.