Reader Recipes: Lance Biddle-Snead

Lance Biddle-Snead
Bergen County, NJ
Age: 20
Attends: Hampden-Sydney College
Hobbies: macking, boning, gardening

After hitting the gym, I always find myself in the mood for a quick muscle-building snack. When I’m done boning your big-tittied slut of a girlfriend on the way home, I like to sit down with a homemade spicy chicken wrap, pound a few beers, and get my grub on.

The first thing you’ll need to do is to return the limp-dick industrial chicken you bought back to Kroger. Organic, antibiotic-free poultry is worth the extra cash, so stop being such a peasant. Upgrade that shit, go home, and slice up about two pounds of boneless, skinless chicken breast—this will make four wraps. If you’re feeling like too much of a pussy to wolf down all four, you can always share ‘em with your closest bros. Don’t forget to wash your hands after handling the chicken—one time my buddy Fitz got salmonella from this rank chicken salad and vomited out his ass for a week. Tuesday night of said week, he locked himself in the Delta Sig bathroom and stayed in there puking and moaning for like two hours while his girlfriend cried. After that, we called him Salmonella Fitzgerald. Nice.

Next, you want to make an egg wash for the chicken. Cage-free eggs are a must—a good yolk is heavy in beta carotene, and as orange as the text on a can of Sparks. Whisk together two tablespoons of water and an egg, but don’t go busting your load and over-whisking. Next, keg stand; then in a large Ziploc bag, mix together ¼ cup flour, one teaspoon each of cayenne and black pepper, and one tablespoon of store-bought poultry seasoning. Go with Rosewood Herbs Blended Poultry Seasoning—anything less, like that cheap-ass McCormick shit and the whole thing will taste pretty weaksauce. Go big or go home, chode. Next, you’re going to want to prepare the chicken by tossing it around in the flour mixture, dipping it in the egg wash, and then rolling it in one cup of bread crumbs. After that, you’re going to have to make out with the nearest guy. Oh my god, dude, you were totally about to do it.

Now, instead of frying the chicken, you should bake that shit in the oven. Frying tends to cockblock subtle chicken flavor, and besides, trans fats can give you cancer, which would be bad news bears. Anyway, you’re going to bake the chicken at 350 degrees for fifteen minutes, which is about enough time for me to kick your ass in Madden 2010. Once the chicken’s done, you’re ready to make the most brogasmic wrap ever. Place the chicken inside a buckwheat tortilla, along with some crisp baby greens. My buddy McKinley and I like to pick our baby arugula and swiss chard straight from the windowsill garden and use that. Finally, it’s time to dress the wrap. I would recommend a light raspberry vinaigrette with cranberries because the acidity of the two helps to highlight the subtlety of chicken, although your mom said that she preferred my special sauce when I was over at her house making her airtight.

Now that you have a finished wrap, its time to go down to the fraternity house cellar and pick a wine (not frat house, man, you wouldn’t call your country a cunt). The full wrap would go very well paired with a Chardonnay, but a Burgundy, depending on the style, might add a leaner flavor with more minerality. Anyway, as your girlfriend knows, I love chicken, but I’m also a vagitarian.