Signatures

Dear Dec,
I write to inform you about the identity crisis I believe the University is confronting, and I humbly ask your opinion. A few weeks back I was walking to class, puffing in the last few clouds of joy from my Marlboro before an hour of torment listening to Professor Irrelevant rant about some old dead guys from, like, Kalamazoo, and then, as I approached the door of Cabell Hall, I reached to put out my cigarette in the ashtray pyramid-but, low and behold, it wasn't there! I turned around to notice that it had been moved about twenty-three feet farther from the door. In an act of protest, haste, and laziness, I followed the trend illustrated by the other butts on the brick and threw my cigarette to the ground. Doesn't this seem like it's creating more of a problem than it's solving?
Addictively,
Joseph Camel

Dear Joe,
We here at the Dec are very adamant with our belief in smokers' rights. We know that it not only looks awesome, relieves stress, and pisses people off, but that it also takes those few extra years off of your life in which, lets face it, you'd probably just be an Alzheimer's vegetable and you'd live while all of your best friends die. . .but that's beside the point. Your act of pollutant protest is highly admirable; however, it is good that they moved those trays farther away. The more and more smoking becomes portrayed as "bad" or "the other," the more awesome/badass/cool/rebellious smokers will look. It's all about opposition and contrast Joe.
COUGH HACK COUGH COUGH,
-the Dec

Dear Dec,
Over the past couple of weeks, I have been really bummed out by the fact that the Dec only comes out every OTHER week. The other day, I was sitting at home, eating lard and McDonald's Hamburgers, and waiting for the next print of the Dec, and my chest and left arm started to hurt. Now, hours later, I am having a really hard time catching my breath. It's like I can barely breathe! I started sweating profusely, and I can barely see. Do you have any suggestions to cure my Dec-withdrawal?
Hoping for your help,
Desperate Fan

Dear Dumbass,
The symptoms you have described do not sound like a normal reation to not having the Dec. Instead, it looks like you are going into cardiac arrest. Get off your fat ass and take some aspiring and go to the hospital. Otherwise, you'll probably die. Seriously. Go. Now. Also, we have an issue every week on the Interwebs. Check it.
Are you joking me?
-the Doc

Dear Dec,
My professors are crazy selfish. They assign me readings as if they are the only teachers that I have. Then, when I don't do it, they act like I am the bad guy. I've been thinking about just dropping out of college and getting famous on Youtube because these teachers are totally stressing me out and don't allow me to express myself. I mean, is college really that necessary? Bill Gates dropped out and he is doing OK. What should I do with my life?
Undecidedly,
Steve Hass

Dear Steve Lazyass
You should most definitely drop out of college. However, I would recommend that instead of going into Youtube, you should jump straight into the budding market of Internet shock-porn. The future isn't made up of people like Bill Gates, but is comprised of 2 girls and 1 cup. It doesn't even need to be that extreme. Sometimes, all it takes is a simple fart on a freshly baked cake. That doesn't sound bad at all! So go ahead, put down those heavy books and turn on your webcam, soon you will be doing something that doesn't even help yourself, but improves American culture. Good luck, and don't get addicted to crack!
It really is hard to get over a crack addiction,
-the Dec

Dear Dec,
I stole this from Bio lab,
Jean le Souris

Dear Weirdo,
Suck it,
-the Dec