Signatures 38/3

Dear Dec,

I’ve been thinking about getting a facebook lately, but I know I’m not going to have any friends if I do. Even my roommate told me that he wouldn’t befriend me. I think it’s because he’s afraid that I’ll read his religious views and then try instigating some late night philosophical conversations with him the way I used to back in August before he told me to sod off or kill myself. But I can’t help it! I know online friendships are supposedly poor substitutes for real life ones, but I seriously doubt I could tell the difference between them with my limited social experience anyway. I came to UVa in search of fellow inquisitive minds, yearning for mutual enlightenment through serious late night dorm room dialoguing. But no one seems to share my interests. Is facebook really the answer?

Thoughtful-and-Lonely in Lefevre,
Jevus Krist

Dear insignificant homeschool-graduate with too many feelings,

Give your roommate a break:
Chi Alpha
8:00, Monday nights, Newcomb Theater

You’re alone in the universe,
-The Dec

Dear Dec,

I sit in O-Hill alone a lot, and sometimes people stare at me because there are 15,000 undergraduate students here and so I guess they just figure that I shouldn’t have such a challenging time coercing people to sit with me 13 mealtimes a week. But social skills elude me. I was raised in North Dakota by socially withdrawn hippies named Splinter Seed and Magic Womb, who named me after a barbiturate and refused to speak anything but Nadsat in our wigwam. Is there a socially acceptable alternative to eating alone in the dining hall?

Sincerely,
Thiopental

Dear no talent loser with the bizarre first name,

Your social ineptitude is astounding. No one sits alone in O-Hill. After all, would you go to Disney World by yourself? Would you attempt a solo flight into outer space without, at least, the guidance of a few friends back in Houston? No. No. No. Some things were never meant to be experienced independent of interaction with others. The Dec feels that O-Hill food is one such instance of necessary camaraderie. It’s perfectly fine if you have to stoop to unheard of depths in order to procure a few dining hall pals. Save your choosy habits for your food; friends should be selected on a basis of accessibility, not quality.

Good luck in your quest for real horror show droogs,
The Dec

Yo Dec,

The other day I was approaching my professor on the walkway outside of Bryan Hall. All of a sudden I noticed that a string was hanging down from his pants. They were the kinda pants that were pretty loose already and he was the kinda professor that was pretty hot. Like, drool-during-lecture-hot. So I decide to go in for the kill. I step on the string and down come the pants. WHOOOO BABY!!! What I was wondering was how to convince my mom that sleeping with my professor is cool.

Unicorn-and-Rainbow Enthusiast from Dabney,
Sammy Saunders

Yo Toots,

Good luck with that one! Knowing your mom, which we do ; ), that won’t fly with her at all. Tell your mom we said hey. And tell her we miss her. Then say, not really. That’d be really funny.

On second thought, I bet she’ll be fine with it.

Love,
The Dec

Dear Deklaration,

Although I very infrequently read your news magazine, I just wanted to voice my humble opinion in this open forum on the issue of the “bohemian” lifestyle that your writers and editors lead. I think it is down right sweet, fellas. I wish I could partake but I’m a triple major and I participate in five major extracurricular activities. So let me know. Ya know?

Interested but uptight first year,
Freddy Yardner

Dear FY,

Loosen your tie, dear friend. It’s a good thing you’re busy because you sound like a total nerd, which we do not accept at the Dec.

Whatever bra,
The Dec