Signatures 38/6

Dear Dec,

Earlier today, I was walking along the road of life—minding my own business and carrying a coffee in my hand—when, all of a sudden, I slipped on what can only be described as a miniature glacial formation on the ground, spilling hot coffee all over my palm and finger. The problem? My right hand was full of books and technologies—I was powerless to clean up the drips! So, coffee still in hand, I began licking myself. Holding the coffee, however, gave my forearm a slight curve, thereby lending a rather feline aesthetic to my pose and action. I mean, everyone saw! Like, eh-vuh-ree-wun! So, what can I do now, other than style my hair into pointy ear shapes, nestle up under people who pet me, and chase little jingly balls around?? AM I DESTINED TO BE THAT WEIRD CAT GIRL FOREVER?!

This never would have happened had I had my sledge with me,
Catherine Walloughby

KitCat,

What a mess you’ve really gotten yourself into with this one. Yeesh! Luckily for you, the geniuses here at the Dec have come up with quite the solution: instead of cat ears, simply don a dazzling wizard’s hat. Yeah, a wizard’s hat! Start wearing a cape! Decorate your house with stars and zoomy things! Harness control of lithospheric motion and the resultant volcanic activity! Name your kids after kooky wizards of yore! Wizards are way cooler than cats, anyway.

But we do love pussy,
The Dec

Dear Dec,

I am infuriated, outraged, perturbed, and disgusted by your recent “Oh, Woord” article about the hip hop phenomenon Die Antwoord. How could you cover such filth? They’re trying to con the innocent people like me. You know, innocent people like me get conned all the time. This British actor posing as a foreign man once tryed to portray me as hating Jews in a film he made. It’s actually quite the contrary, I hate black people!

Yours,
Jim Cain

Dear Slim Jim,

Die Antwoord are as real as you saying you aren’t the reincarnation of the Third Reich, but that doesn’t make them any less awesome. Come on, people like you need to be made fun of! How else will Michael Moore, Morgan Spurlock, and Sacha Baron Cohen sell movie tickets?

Luv,
the Dec

Hey Dec!

My corporate sponsors need to shut up! I never even lied to my wife—I told her I was going out to do 18 holes!

Waiting for Trojan to call,
Tiger Woods

Dear Lion,

The problem lies in the fact that one night you only managed a 9-hole round because you were shooting bogies!

Try Viagra pal,
The Dec

Dear Dec,

So, like, I’m in this one English class, or whatever, that’s like, sooo annoying. It’s like, I dunno. Just really sucky. Like, this one girl was chomping her gum in my ear all day today, and I was all like, WTFuck dude, like, stop fucking chomping your disgusting gum in my ear! And then this other girl is, like, such a suck-up, I’m like, hell-ooo, stop being such a brown-noser. I mean, the teacher might like her better, but at least I don’t have sideburns. Gross. Like, seriously, what’s up with that? And then this one guy is all like, “oooh no one ‘gets’ me, mehrr, poor me.” And I’m like, uh, dude, how about you start washing your greaseball hair and, like, stop painting your nails in with Sharpie? God, what a weirdo—like, high school is over, you don’t get individuality points for being lame. Oh, and this one girl pronounced “Reich” like “reach.” Seriously. I am not even kidding. Like, whaaa???

This shit is so toadz bananas,
Kitts Beatty

Our Dearest Mademoiselle,

We do not like to get too involved with the apocalyptic or even feministic interpretations of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. Rather, it was a time of chivalry and address, and sometimes all a man possessed was his sword and his honour. So off with your head! Speaking of which, quit frettin’—ENGL 381 really is nothing David Byrne and a few smoothly rolled doobs can’t get you through. Now amuse yourself by finding how many internal rhymes are contained in this response. (It’s true, they really do let almost anyone into those classes now ‘n’ days.)

And we know beauty is only the mercenary face of kitsch,
The Dec