Spread: U.Va U-Phemisms

A-School: (n) also Play-Skool. The Architecture School, where students play with blocks of wood and construction paper while the rest of the University quietly slumbers. Sponsors the Beaux Arts Ball, the only one worth going to in this dirty ‘ol town.

Ed-School: (n) The School of Education, where students learn to teach others to play with blocks of wood and construction paper. Only takes five years.

E- School: (n) The Engineering School, where students find the coefficient of friction of blocks of wood and construction paper. Home of the “Toolies.”

Comm. School: (n) The McIntire School of Commerce, where students learn how to exploit the talents of other schools by marketing blocks of wood and construction paper.

The College (aka Arts and Crafts): (n) Where we learn what blocks of wood and construction paper are, or where professors infer that they “are,” given their general reading of Hegel and blatant plagiarism of Foucault.

Nursing School: (n) Where students clean the bedpans for other students who are playing with blocks and paper.

Brown College: (n) “Where the politicos meet the freaks.” A cheery white cluster of portals where U.Va.’s cultural elitists and Lawnies-in-waiting reside in splendid isolation. Supposedly exclusive, but chosen by lottery. You figure it out.

Gooch: (n) Upper-class housing on Alderman Road. (v) To get shafted, as in, “Man, I got so gooched on those concert tickets—I wanted reserved seating but all I got was lawn.”

Jefferson Scholars: (n) Get paid to attend school. Will re-deliver their entire salutatory address while polishing their Mary and Louise J. Eggleston award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence to a spit-shined gleam.

Echols Scholars: (n) Jaded, pot-smoking CLAS honor program students with no area requirements, priority registration and the ultra-real-world-pragmatic “Echols-major” option. They’re the reason the class you want is full.

Rodman Scholars: (n) Bulbous-skulled, eyeless translucent E-school honors program students. WIll refuse even to meet your gave unless you refer to them by their Advanced Dungeons & Dragons call name (e.g. Rosencratz Ironfist)

UTS: (n) University Transit Service. Ludicrous crowding fosters ruthlessly Darwinesque competition for a coveted spot on board. Unlucky saps who cannot squeeze behind the yellow line are doomed to eat bus dust as they walk to class. Be sure to have your bus pass ready!

SIS: (n) Student Information System. A faster, more efficient and technologically superior bureaucracy devoted to compounding and rerouting all inquiries while simultaneously screwing students over in record time. Continues to hold true to the long-standing policy of complete disregard for students’ needs and interests.

ITC: (n) Information Technology and Communication. Only four people on staff actually know what they’re doing, and they all hate each other. And they all hate you, too.

U.Va P&T: (n) Parking & Transportation Towing. Winged monkey henchmen. Colliers & Jones Towing never far behind. [Slang: Bastards]

PBR: (n) “Union-made” brew inadvertently making uncool parties cool.

Biltmore: (n) The social alternative to standing in a room packed with smelly frat guys drinking Natty Light: standing in a room packed with smelly frat guys paying for Natty Light. [Slang: Mt. Fratmore]

The Corner: (n) A paradoxically straight stretch of road with a $1.4 million sidewalk and no parking. After dark, a place to mingle with townies who hate your sorry, privileged ass.

Lambeth: (n) The Aurora Borealis of U.Va. Located a half mile north of Grounds. Powered by a nuclear reactor funded by the proceeds from the Lambeth sore. Cancer rates high, but dropping.

Beta Bridge: (n) Biggest bulletin board on grounds and the site for weekly nocturnal emissions, artwork, and homophobic graffiti. Don’t believe what you read.

Bid Night: (n) That magical time of year when Greek organizations extend invitations to their respective inner sancta. If you disliked seventh grade the first time around you’re better off not giving a shit.

NoVa: (n) Northern Virginia. An endless suburban proto-hell of concrete, tract housing and Starbucks. Odds are that one of the people sitting next to you right now is from there.

Sexile (also Sexcommunication):
(n) The awkward sleeping arrangements that occur when your roommate is hooking up. Preferable to the alternative.

Foxfield: (n) A twice-a-year treat from the Old South. Combine Port-a-Potty lines, grain alcohol, and aristocracy, Bake for six hours in the hot sun; pass out in the back of your car. Add horses to taste.

Walk of Shame: (n) Post hook-up early morning ritual, usually accompanied by feelings of deep regret and self-loathing. Participants are easily discernible by the pair of soiled underwear wadded in their back pocket.

Futon: (n) A.k.a. “Flip ‘n’ Fuck.” Also “Screw-ton.”

Grounds: (n) What would be called the “campus” if you went to Tech. Or any other school. Or if you weren’t a pretentious fuck.

Gusburger: (n) White Spot specialty, the Gus is a cheeseburger “all the way” with a fried egg on top. Enjoy the clash of the intestinal titans as salmonella and E. coli battle it out in you ulcerated gut.

The Lawn: (n) The eighteenth green of academia. the Lawn is the grassy area that stretches from the Rotunda to Cabell Hall. Flanking the Lawn is Hibachi City, home of Virginia’s politicos, fireplaces and bathrooms within walking distance. Inhabitants of this venerable location are commonly referred to as “Lawnies,” among other unprintable (even for us) names, although “sink-pisser” will work in a pinch.

Steam Tunnels: (n) Labyrinthine maze of conduits beneath grounds, used to transport steam. Also the most direct route through central Grounds in winter.

Mr. Jefferson: (n) the founder of our university, and incidentally the third President of the United States. Usually referred to as if he were in the next room. Mr. Jefferson never received a doctorate, and to soothe his still-troubled ego, University protocol dictates that no professor without an M.D. be called “doctor.”

Politico: (n) A madly ambitious, power-hungry, world-conquering student-leader type, easily identified as the person who launches his/her career by winning a hotly contested race for First Year Council Representative. The rewards for the politico’s four-year struggle include a Lawn room and invitations to cocktail parties.

Wahoo: (n) A fish that can drink its own weight. Natural habitat, the University of Virginia. Aren’t you proud? Write home and tell mom!

Coup DeVille’s: (n) Site of mostly non-violent protest against modern drinking laws. Requires a note from mom that you’re twenty-one.

Ultimate Bliss: (n) Porn and sex toy shop on route 29. You have to be 18 so all you underage geniuses are fucked. Or, you know, not.

Dell Mud Pond (a.k.a. Dell Swimmin’ Hole): (n) Cleaned twice a year (Move-in Day and Graduation). Favorite spot of Wahoo swimmers and virologists. Manatee rides ever third Tuesday.

Fourth-year Fifth: (n) Ceremonial consumption and expulsion of bourbon and gentility at the last home football game of the year. Everyone who doesn’t die wins!

Bourgeois Dodge: (n) The act of staring at the floor as janitorial staffers walk past. Try to break the habit!

Cavalier Daily: (n) The latest AP wires from yesterday. Ten thousand crossword puzzles distributed daily and many more words jumbled. Comics so funny you’ll soil yourself.

Dec: (n) In your hands, dumbass.

John Paul Jones Arena: (n) A philoosophical inquiry: Are you the type of person who, at home basketball games, would call “the Jack” half-empty or half full?

South Lawn Project: (n) The university’s attempt to prove it’s a ‘real’ Southern college by absolutely fucking up Charlottesville traffic for the next five years. Will be finished next May just in time for graduation!

Student Health: (n) We’ll save you the bus ride. The cough means you’re pregnant.

Club Clemons: (n) Lesser library and home to the first floor, where a martial law mentality swiftly takes care of whisperers. Third floors plays host to the always hoppin’ RMC, where you will fight everyone else for the same free copy of 30 Rock.