Bartholomew Ogle

Aries (March 21—April 19):
Dance like the there’s no God watching.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times; you’re being an enormous asshole.

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
If you think about it, life is just a really boring version of Final Destination.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
Lost your keys? Did you try calling them?

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
Is it a coincidence that every day in the week ends with “day?”Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
When the going gets tough, try staying. It’s less work.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
People are getting sick a lot these days. Better drink a lot of orange juice and get plenty of sleep. Also, wash your hands.

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
That goes for you too, Gemini. We all know about your tendency to not wash your hands after peeing, you rascal.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
Seamus Heaney, Wallace Stevens, and Sir Walter Scott: you have to fuck one, marry one, and kill one. Go.Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to unite as many nomadic tribes as Genghis Khan.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
When twisting and shouting, be careful not to twist too hard.

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Being less of a dingbat will increase your level of happiness by at least five percent.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
If your mind is an interstate, then your words are noise pollution to the metaphorical homes that are unfortunately surrounding you.Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
Most Americans can’t remember what they had for dinner last night, but you can’t remember because you have amnesia.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
You should make an effort to bookmark more websites.

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Did you know there are now three different gatorades? So confusing.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
You can do 100 push-ups now, but it’s too late to get the presidential fitness award.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
Don’t worry, it’s just Gout.Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
The time to start living in the present is now.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
Stepping on a crack is not going to cause any physical harm to any of your loved ones. Stop being such a five-year-old.

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Within the next few days the word “pentavalent” will appear in your conversations with others zero times.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
Jeremiah was not a bullfrog. He was a biblical figure. Most bullfrogs do not have names, unless of course they are captured and tamed.Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
Remember to save your work frequently to avoid lossing your content in the event of a system crash.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
Why don’t you just suck it up and take her to funky town already?

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Sell you IBM shares, quick!

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
Tomorrow, it’s your turn to turn on the sun. Everybody only gets one, so don’t fuck up.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
If you had a nickel for everytime you recieved a nickel, you would have an infinite quantity of nickels.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
Happy birthday soon.

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Do you ever accidentally delete your recycle bin from your desktop?

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
The word “fly” is never going to come back as synonym for cool. Give up.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
Stop. Look both ways. Ok, now go.

Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22):Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
File your 1040 EZ. Tax evasion is the by far the least cool way to get into jail.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
The bus will run three minutes behind on Friday. Take the 9:40 instead.

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Every time a bell rings, the clerk who was obviously busy doing something important at the time gets really pissed off.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
Trusting your instincts isn’t necessarily a good thing when you are inherently suicidal.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
What do you call a really small potato? A spec-tater!

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
What do you call a magical potato? A prestidigi-tater!

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
What do you call an ordinary potato who talks about sports while they are happening? A common-tater!

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
What do you call a floating potato? A levi-tater!

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
What do you call a potato who lacks confidence in performing actions? A hesi-tater!Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
Don’t cry over being spit on when you volunteer to handle llamas.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
The grass is always greener when you take care of it with fertilizer and steady maintenance.

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Don’t count your pigs before they hatch; those are actually chickens.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
If you step in shit, your foot’s gonna smell.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):Read more...