Carter Levi Fettig

Growing up in a non-traditional family can be a little strange at times. Holidays are notable only for the seasonal candy selection and sales on the stuff I can buy myself. For example, Christmas means it’s cold, and people are freaking out about money. Easter means there are fake bunnies everywhere, and people pretend to give a shit about Jesus. Halloween is the time of year when kids around the country put masks on their faces so they can collect enough candy to make themselves puke everywhere later that night. Birthdays mean I’m one year older—and that’s all.Read more...

Last night, I achieved my ultimate dream. It was the culmination of years of hard work and months of practice. You see, last night I had sex in ten seconds. Impressive, I know, but I have been working towards this moment for some time.Read more...