Decstaff

What’s the deal, New York? You speak to us of fame and glory, of freedom and openness, of power and creativity. We move into your maze of streets winding and wending our way through the mess of job applications, grad school applications, social relations. Yes, we get lost for want of friends, in need of creating new families, new peer groups. Yes, these streets will make you feel brand new, but can pavement speak? But what does it whisper when it is your only pillow? Ah, but the allure of being at the center of things—everything.Read more...

During a visit to Ecuador, you are ambushed by a swarm of pygmy marmosets. Preparing to fight for your life, you unzip your backpack and find a boomerang, a comb, and a box of plastic sporks. How do you fend off the horde, and what is a pygmy marmoset?

Imagine that for the rest of your life you can only have sex with a “real doll” or a middle-aged man who has only ever had sex with a “real doll.” Which do you choose, and why?Read more...

Groh a Pair
As you’ve probably heard by now, Al Groh has been fired from the position of U.Va.’s head football coach. In his absence, the student body will need a new scapegoat for the eminent losing streak. Here are some of the possibilities that Poodah came up with:

• The glare off of the pearls are blinding the players temporarily, making it hard to see the ball. That’s why they never catch! It’s not because they can’t, dummy!Read more...

s, though, is that I’ve completely forgotten about it. I mean, I vaguely recall agreeing to take it this summer when some brownnosing third year orientation leader told me that David Waldner was the closest thing I would find to Jesus Christ at UVa. But it’s been a while. I should probably aim for a perfect score all things considered. What do you suggest?

Slightly-behind-the-curve first year,
Beatrice Jones

Dear academic epicurean,Read more...

December is a time of renewal, here at the Dec, as we say good-bye to our old managing board and associate editors. Parting Shots is their chance to leave a little something for the next generation, whether it be advice, a last gasp or existential ramblings.

Eamon Drumm, Former Executive Editor

Text messages received as Literary Editor, December 2007—November 2008, and as Executive Editor, December 2008—November 2009. A poem in three parts.

Part 1: Flavors of fun

A couplet for you:
I am prête à partir
Also, I have beer.Read more...

Man, 2009 was a wacky year for music. Michael Jackson died, Lil Wayne topped his own brand of fuckin’ insane, and we won’t even get started with the interrupting Kanye jokes. But as much as we like getting our kicks from laughing at the misfortunes of pop stars, here at The Dec we tend to lean towards a more creative musical persuasion, mostly in an effort to make others feel bad about themselves. Here for your amusement are The Dec’s most favorite-est records of the past year. Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to return to our alone time with the “Party in the USA” video.Read more...

Lance Biddle-Snead
Bergen County, NJ
Age: 20
Attends: Hampden-Sydney College
Hobbies: macking, boning, gardening

After hitting the gym, I always find myself in the mood for a quick muscle-building snack. When I’m done boning your big-tittied slut of a girlfriend on the way home, I like to sit down with a homemade spicy chicken wrap, pound a few beers, and get my grub on.Read more...

The time of year is rapidly approaching for festive holiday gatherings and feasts. It can also be a very stressful time of the year. In more ways than one, you may find yourself in dire need of an alcoholic beverage, or at the least, needing to provide refreshment to many a guest. Better Dorms & ‘Partments has a few suggestions for you to spice up this holiday season with some new, original ideas for cocktails and shooters.

North Jersey Jackhammer
120 oz. Steel Reserve High-Gravity malt liquor
1 quart Woodchuck Cider
1 cup Black Velvet whiskeyRead more...

While to middle-aged yuppies eating locally means a conscious attempt to eat food grown and produced within a 100-mile radius, the life of a penniless yet idealistic student warrants a tweaked guide to eating local foods­—one radical in its attempts at both economy and conservation. The following can serve as a guidepost for every student trying to “go local.” Don’t reach farther than arm’s length! Or if you’re pushing it, you can fulfill all your dietary needs from your neighbor’s kitchen, the backyard, or the dining hall.Read more...

As long as there has been drank to be drunk and food to be chewed, man has been marrying particularly tasty pairs together as part of what we call cuisine. Pairings that have withstood the long test of time become delicious dogma, by virtue of their compatibility. For who can entertain the idea of steak au poivre without a red Bordeaux? Cedar-plank salmon without a Chardonnay? And what, pray tell, is an egg salad without vodka?Read more...