Columns

“Do you eat animal crackers?” How many salad leaves did you have to

murder to eat that salad? Wouldn’t it be easier just to eat cardboard right away?”Read more...

Names have seemingly evolved and reached a plateau of lameness.

Uncreative, bland, and tiresome names have become the norm. Names like my own…Cameron Smith? Seriously parents, is that truly your best effort? As your son I’m thoroughly embarrassed at your lack of brainstorming.Read more...

I’m going to go out on a limb here, and say you probably don’t watch

much soccer. Not to stereotype (I’m stereotyping), but this is America. And the South at that. You probably consider soccer to be a “pansy” sport, or something like that. I’ll be generous and overlook your ignorant, slightly homophobic prejudices. But I can’t pretend you care about soccer, let alone watch it.Read more...

As a history major, I’ve been trying really hard to avoid this sentiment.

This is because 1) sometimes I like to pretend I can take things seriously and 2) it makes me really sad to learn about all of the time periods I cannot go to. I’m not talking about Renaissance fair crap. I don’t have an idealized portrait of the past where everyone dresses like a princess and eats turkey legs and watches jousting (that’s what they do at Renaissance fairs, right?). I’d like to maybe see a couple bloody revolutions, or chill with some peasants.Read more...

I’ve been putting off writing this article for three and a half years; it’s time to break the silence. I’m going to begin with a disclaimer that this will probably sound really self-centered and narcissistic no matter how carefully I phrase my words, but as I’m a jaded, burnt out fourth year and frankly the fucks I have left to give are few and far between. So without further ado, here’s my rant about tattoos and how they have impacted my college career.Read more...

Dear Justin Timberlake,

I know that you might not know who I am, but I am Alexander Allen. I am writing because I have some very choice words to say to you about your current celebrity. You have done quite well for yourself, I must admit. You started out on Mickey Mouse Club, which was a little before my time, but people seemed to like you in that role. Not that I’m an avid fan of N’Sync, but that worked out pretty well for you too.Read more...

In my life as a history major, I have written more papers than I can remember. I have developed a unique way of combining procrastination with other forms of masochism that allows me to write these essays. Usually in one night.

Stage 1. The busywork stage.Read more...

We all have that one friend. You know the one, that one that seems to have the strangest opinions about life. They have the sense of humor and the thought process to help back up their strange way of thinking and can never really understand why you are never on their level. I have a number of these friends that I like to keep around, but one particularly stands apart.Read more...

With classes winding down, and the weather fluctuating between nice and rainy, I’ve found myself hunkered down in my apartment more so than usual. I have been watching an abhorrent amount of TV. My current roommates have been voicing their opinions on my less than stellar TV choices. It’s important to note that most of my long time friends from home know how I really have no shame when it comes to TV shows or movies. This makes the insults from my roommates a trip down memory lane. Nothing they’ve said has been original.Read more...

“My field is black studies. In that field I’m trying to hoe the hard row of beautiful things. I try to study them and I also try to make them. Elizabeth Alexander says, ‘Look for color everywhere.” For me, color plus beauty equals blackness.’”Read more...