Signatures

Dear Dec,

This past weekend I was walking out of Backyard when some stupid slut said, “ew.” She said, “ew,” to my face! MY FACE! But then I got nervous and backed down. Did I miss out on a chance to start a bar fight?

Kiss Kiss, Hug Hug,
Chelsea Badwoman

Dear Chello Mello,

As our Uncle Gus always said, it’s never too late for revenge. You should start by tracking this girl down.

Muchas Smoochas,
The Dec

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Dear Dec,
Oh.my.gosh. I didn’t get into the sorority of my choice. I won’t have 100000 “loyal” new bitches on facebook to constantly reassure me that I am beautiful (inside and out). Moreover I won’t get a basket full of used t-shirts, shitty movies and “homemade” art. Worst of all, I MIGHT EVEN HAVE TO JOIN THE DEC and hang with you fucktards. My.life.is.over. Dear rejected (for good reason) sistah,
We don’t want you either. wompwomp

Lovingly :D,
the Dec

Yooooo Dec,Read more...

Dear Dec,
I just threw down some serious cash for the new iPhone 4S and ever since I’ve been having these weird nightmares. I keep dreaming that Siri sneaks into my room at night and watches me sleep. I’m freaking out, kinda starting to regret this decision.

Sincerely,
Toby

Dear Toby,
You weren’t dreaming, and that wasn’t Siri.
Lock your window next time,
the Dec

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Dear Dec,
I have a bitchin’ ice castle, a manly-ass beard, and some evil penguins. However, none of the princesses I try to get to come back to my place want to stay for very long. I think they hate me. Doesn’t every king deserve someone who will love him? Or should I just give up on love?

Sincerely,
Ice King

Dear Ice Bitch,
Sorry that all those bitches seem so frigid, man. Maybe you should try locking them up for awhile, hoping the Stockholm syndrome will kick in. Unless you’ve already tried that. If not, I’d say just keep on talking to your penguins.Read more...

Dear Dec,
It’s fucking cold. Usually I’m a fan of winter weather––I’m down with snow and the holiday season––but my heat is broken. Yeah. My apartment is a fucking igloo. According to the thermostat, it’s 60 degrees inside, but it feels more like 40. Can you come fix it?

Sincerely,
Nice Tween

Dear Ice Queen,
Nope. Put on a sweater and suck it up. Newcomb doesn’t have heat ever since the power went out.

Warmly,
the Dec

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Dear Dec,

I was in the middle of writing this fucking awesome letter to you guys, but then I found out some douchebag wrote the exact same one before I could finish mine. I’m so fucking pissed! Mine was way more clever. Ugh. He had some dumb name too––like P-Town or P-Punk or something. More like P-Bitch.

Angrily,
Caroline

Dear Scaroline,

We hate that guy too.

Meow,
the Dec

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Dear Dec,
Yo! Elzinga’s class, Econ 201, can suck my sloppy slit! His exam was the stupidest thing ever! Like, this one question, you had to explain why golfers and people who play croquette on golf courses are a better class of people than those who Jet Ski or fish on lakes. What the hell? I don’t even know how to explain this! Elzinga, I don’t care for you. (PS: We had a question on chapter 8! We only had to study up to chapter 7!)

Slipperly,
Mr. Schlange

Dear Slippy Schlong,Read more...

Dear Dec,

Who are those punk ass kids cracking off-beat jokes in the basement of Newcomb? I have a reason to believe that these people are part of your organization. You guys make it really hard to concentrate when you’re making all those jokes for Poodah. The jokes that I am particularly opposed to are the ones involving dicks. Do you not have any goals in life than trying to squeeze a dick joke in? Don’t you want a job when you graduate?

From,
Trail Blazing Leader

Dear Ass Kissing Prick,Read more...

Dear Dec,

I’ve been here a week, and I haven’t even gotten laid yet. I even went to the welcome concert AND the block party and offered to take some bitties to O-Hill. What gives?

Honin’ for the bonin’,
Buck

Dear Buckcherry,

May we suggest transferring out of the E-School?

Fucking bitches and getting money,
the Dec

Dear Dec,

My roommate is sexiling me. Right now. Like I’m in the hall outside my room. I’m pretty sure they’re doing it on my bed, since there’s not really any room to do it anywhere else. What can I do?Read more...

Dear Dec,

I just bought a fish! I’ve been thinking about maybe naming it after a Harry Potter character or maybe a Pokemon or even one of my friends, but so far nothing quite fits. It has to be perfect. Any thoughts?

Pressure’s On,
Undecided

Dear Fishing for Attention,

How about Nemo or something?

Swimmingly,

the Dec

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