Usual

Dear Dec,

This past weekend I was walking out of Backyard when some stupid slut said, “ew.” She said, “ew,” to my face! MY FACE! But then I got nervous and backed down. Did I miss out on a chance to start a bar fight?

Kiss Kiss, Hug Hug,
Chelsea Badwoman

Dear Chello Mello,

As our Uncle Gus always said, it’s never too late for revenge. You should start by tracking this girl down.

Muchas Smoochas,
The Dec

Dear Dec,Read more...

Zooey Deschanel likes Prada. Alert your Alt friends.

Superbowl Forty-Sex
Poodah lucked out with fantasy football this year and scored some sick tickets to Superbowl 46 featuring the Giants vs. The Patriots. Madonna is scheduled to perform at the halftime show, so fifty-two-year-old men everywhere will be yearning for a wardrobe malfunction to please the giant patriots in their pants.

Drop it like it’s HotRead more...

Dear Dec,
Oh.my.gosh. I didn’t get into the sorority of my choice. I won’t have 100000 “loyal” new bitches on facebook to constantly reassure me that I am beautiful (inside and out). Moreover I won’t get a basket full of used t-shirts, shitty movies and “homemade” art. Worst of all, I MIGHT EVEN HAVE TO JOIN THE DEC and hang with you fucktards. My.life.is.over. Dear rejected (for good reason) sistah,
We don’t want you either. wompwomp

Lovingly :D,
the Dec

Yooooo Dec,Read more...

Alert: Zooey Deschanel has been seen with a rabbit shaped bag! Tell your Alt friends.

Words Cannot DescribeRead more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
Everybodies Libin for the Weekend -Loverboy

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
Can’t Stop Libin’ you - Van Halen

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Don’t Wanna Lib Inside Myself - Bee Gees

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
How Am I Supposed to Lib Without You - Michael Bolton

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
Lib and Let Die - Paul McCartney and Wings

Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22):
You Ain’t Libin Till You’re Libin’ - Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

Libra (Sept. 23—Oct. 23):
After the Lib Is Gone - Earth, Wind, & Fire

Scorpio (Oct. 24—Nov. 21):Read more...

Sham-wow!Read more...

Dear Dec,
I just threw down some serious cash for the new iPhone 4S and ever since I’ve been having these weird nightmares. I keep dreaming that Siri sneaks into my room at night and watches me sleep. I’m freaking out, kinda starting to regret this decision.

Sincerely,
Toby

Dear Toby,
You weren’t dreaming, and that wasn’t Siri.
Lock your window next time,
the Dec

Dear Dec,Read more...

Dear Dec,
I have a bitchin’ ice castle, a manly-ass beard, and some evil penguins. However, none of the princesses I try to get to come back to my place want to stay for very long. I think they hate me. Doesn’t every king deserve someone who will love him? Or should I just give up on love?

Sincerely,
Ice King

Dear Ice Bitch,
Sorry that all those bitches seem so frigid, man. Maybe you should try locking them up for awhile, hoping the Stockholm syndrome will kick in. Unless you’ve already tried that. If not, I’d say just keep on talking to your penguins.Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
You’re going to be involved in a shoot-out at Old Navy. There will be many casual-tees.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
Remember, it’s not who you know. It’s whom you know!

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
You’ll never date that puppeteer. She’s all about no-strings-attached relationships.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
You’re a virgin, but you don’t give a fuck. Never have.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
Your Jewish girlfriend is such a bitch! She needs to get with the pogrom.Read more...