Horoscopes

Aries (March 21—April 19):
Everybodies Libin for the Weekend -Loverboy

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
Can’t Stop Libin’ you - Van Halen

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Don’t Wanna Lib Inside Myself - Bee Gees

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
How Am I Supposed to Lib Without You - Michael Bolton

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
Lib and Let Die - Paul McCartney and Wings

Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22):
You Ain’t Libin Till You’re Libin’ - Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

Libra (Sept. 23—Oct. 23):
After the Lib Is Gone - Earth, Wind, & Fire

Scorpio (Oct. 24—Nov. 21):Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
You’re going to be involved in a shoot-out at Old Navy. There will be many casual-tees.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
Remember, it’s not who you know. It’s whom you know!

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
You’ll never date that puppeteer. She’s all about no-strings-attached relationships.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
You’re a virgin, but you don’t give a fuck. Never have.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
Your Jewish girlfriend is such a bitch! She needs to get with the pogrom.Read more...

Hey Kids! Here’s a game for a rainy day! Think of any movie title and replace one of the words with “jizz”. Hours of fun for you and your pals! Now choose your whore-o-scope and find out what genre of jizz you fit in to!

Aries (March 21—April 19):
James and the Giant Jizz

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
Guess Who’s Coming to Jizz?

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
The King’s Jizz

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
Jizzing into Miss Daisy

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
The Jizz on the River KwaiRead more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
You know what they say; A moment on the lips, forever on the hips. Better lay off those BJ’s, huh?

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
Forget Horoscopes. What’s your whoroscope?

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Sorry, I wasn’t winking at you. There was lint in my eye. A lot of it.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
I went to my first drag race this past weekend. Turns out those bitches do work in heels!

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
In reference to the Cold War: Stop Stalin and cut the Bolsheviks!

Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22):Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan...

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
When everything in life is coming your way, you’re obviously in the wrong lane.

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
We’ve seen you dancing and eating at the same time. Stop that. It’s gross.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A cock that stays up all night.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A Roamin’ CatholicRead more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
Be the bitch you wish to see in the world.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
If you shoot for the really hot girls, you’ll land among the butterfaces.

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Don’t cry because it’s over; cry because you’re pregnant.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell shouldn’t answer my drunk texts.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
Ask not what your cunt can do for you; ask what you can do for your cunt.Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
I heard you tried to learn how to juggle this summer, but you didn’t have the balls to do it.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
Your future baby will not be as beautiful, rich, or successful as Beyonce’s future baby. Sorry ‘bout it.

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
You can’t be a math major, you atheist. You don’t believe in higher powers.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
I hear you have “a really nice personality.” Ouch.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
If you’re graduating- good luck! Living with your parents again is going to be awesome!

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
Thanks for great year, Ms. Eulida! We <3 U!

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
You only look a little bit like a lobster with that sunburn. It’s pretty flattering, really.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
It’s Foxfield. Not FoxfieldS. UGH YOU GDI!

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
For those freaking out about the impending exams, remember “C’s get degrees.” Drink up!

Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22):Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
I heard you’re an extra in Harrison Ford’s new film: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Dome.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
What a hippie...you’re even a sap for tree jokes!

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Hey, you should probably see a doctor about that hideous oversized growth on your face.

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
Wearing different colored socks is neither quirky nor adorable. Stop!

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
I see you.

Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22): Read more...

Aries (March 21—April 19):
Take a lesson from Snoop Dogg with this recent weather craze. Bring an umbrella fo drizzle.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):
I heard your whole left side got cut off. I’m glad you’re all right now!

Gemini (May 21—June 21):
Edward Jizzerhands

Cancer (June 22—July 22):
Don’t rub your masseuse the wrong way- you might not get a happy ending.

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22):
Jizz: Based on the Novel Jizz by Sapphire

Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22):Read more...